The Pain of Being Ripped Apart
by harunekonya
Summary: ONE SHOT: This is a window into Suboshi's thoughts and his state of mind before and after he killed Tamahome's family. I used this to convince my friends, who weren't Suboshi fans. [Edited]


Author's Note: This story has been edited due to a couple grammatical errors and formatting problems. I kept most of it in the same style, because I tried to imitate Suboshi's mind at the time of the events. There are some grammatical errors that were not corrected for this reason. He was never very mature to begin with, and we can see that both him and his power are underdeveloped. 

This is a not a story trying to justify his behavior. What he did to Tamahome's family was horrible, but even horrible deeds have another side to them, and I hoped that by writing this side that more people would sympathize and understand him. He's a victim of his environment, of his culture. Back in the day revenge was common, and children and innocents were common casualties. Suboshi is not any more crazy, insane, or cruel than anyone else. He is not unusual for his time period or for his culture.

Personally I'm very fond of him. I hope this fic makes other people like him too.

Disclaimer: Suboshi or any character here belongs to Watase Yuu, not me.

**The Pain of Being Ripped Apart: A Suboshi Fan Fiction**

I just met Seiryuu no Miko a short while ago. She's so pretty, with her short blond hair surrounding a sweet round face. But I don't know much about her thoughts though. She snapped at me when she first saw me. I suppose I could forgive her for that. Aniki had always told me not to judge people by first meetings. It isn't easy though. Whereas aniki's nature is kind and forgiving, mine isn't. I tend to act before thinking things over. I've tried so hard to correct it like aniki told me to, but it's hard. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever grow to be like him. I want to be like him so much.

_"Yui-sama, this is Suboshi."_

_"Konnichiwa, Yui-sama."_

_"Suboshi?"_

_"Sou desu, Yui-sama. He was the one I spoke of before…one of the Seiryuu shichi seishi."_

_"Who is this _boy_? What can a _boy_ do to stop Miaka and the others?"_

_"Forgive Yui-sama, Suboshi. She isn't in a good mood right now."_

_"I'm so sorry. My oni-san was supposed to be here with me and greet you as well. He's really good at playing the flute. He should have come and played it for you, demo…right now he is currently in Konan-koku."_

My beloved aniki is right now in Konan, the place where the enemy lies. He is so brave to go alone and spy on them. Konan…the root of all evil. If aniki defeats them, then Kutou will finally have the peace that we have dreamed of for so long. Maybe we'll even find a new family. No…aniki is my family. No one can replace him. I wish I could have gone with him, or at least for him, but Nakago-sama wouldn't let me go. My powers aren't developed enough he says. He doesn't understand that we need to be together. I don't think I'll be able to live if something happened to him. We are connected so strongly. Aniki, take care. Come back to me safely.

_"Itai."___

_"What is it Suboshi?"_

_"Aniki sent this. Oh, the Suzaku ceremony is beginning."_

_"Really? Finally. The Suzaku seishi shouldn't know that Chiriko is a spy yet."_

_"Those idiots! My aniki's music is powerful. His music can make people's minds go crazy and die in pain. He'll beat them for sure. I know he will."_

Aniki sent me a message. After he defeats the Suzaku seishi, he'll come right back home. Finally, after all this time, he is finally returning. I miss him so much. We'll be able to play and laugh together again like old times. He'll take care of me, tell me what to do, what lies in our future. Aniki will make Seiryuu no Miko happy. I just know he will. He's such a wonderful person. Aniki will play his music for her…for me…and everything will be all right.

* * *

Pain! I feel pain vibrating up and down my body. Every part of my body hurts. My hands…my arms…my head…I'm shivering. I feel so cold, like I've been dropped in the middle of a lake. I'm sinking, struggling…but something is holding me there, and it won't let me get back up. My lungs! I can't breath! The blackness is pounding me, driving me down, down and down. There is whirl of unending motion in my head. Everything is spinning. I can't see right. My stomach lurches. I vomit my last meal onto the ground. Help me! Someone! Anyone! I feel prickles up and down my skin. They're like needles, poking my skin, never stopping. It hurts so bad. I wish aniki were here. He would explain to me what was happening. He'll take care of me, just like when we were little, before we discovered we were Seiryuu seishi, before we came to the palace. Aniki! Where are you? What is happening to you? What is happening to me?

_"Aniki…Aniki?"_

_"Aniki's ki disappeared. I can't feel anything!"_

_"Could he have been killed by the Suzaku seishi?!__ But how…?"_

_"No…NO! NOOO!"_

_"Aniki!__ ANIKI!!! IYAAAA!"_

I hold myself together. I clutch at myself, holding me…myself. I am alone. My aniki…his ki…it's gone. Why? Why is it gone? Aniki is powerful isn't he? How could he have been killed? Obviously he isn't…because he is gone now. My aniki is gone, and he will never return. Tears are falling down my cheeks. I'm not crying! I never cry! No…why…what…how… This wasn't supposed to happen. Nothing like this was supposed to happen. Aniki was supposed to come back. He should have been back by now. We would have been laughing by now…laughing at the foolish Suzaku seishi whom he defeated single handedly.

It's him! It has to be him. He's at the palace gates right now…isn't he? It can't be. Aniki would never leave me. He said so himself. He promised. He promised! He said he would return! But where is he now? I don't even have his body to bury and honor him with.

It is all the Suzaku seishi's doing. I'll kill them! They've taken my aniki…my older brother…my family…me. I've been ripped in half. They don't know do they? They're probably laughing right now. I'll kill them. I'll hurt them and their stupid miko. I'll make them miserable! For you aniki, I pay them a revenge they will never forget. They will fear the sight of me. I promise you that. Because you died for Kutou—for me—those Suzaku seishi will pay.

_"Yui-sama, please come over here for a second. I have something I want you to see."_

_"What's wrong with him?"_

_"Amiboshi…he's the other one's twin… seems to be dead."_

_"Dead…but…"_

_"It has to be the Suzaku seishi. I too have tried locating Amiboshi's ki, but…if Amiboshi really was killed, then that means there won't be a way to call Seiryuu anymore."_

_"………"_

_"K'so, k'so."___

_"So you are just sitting here crying? That's right…because you've lost someone very important."_

_"Shut up! How could you possibly know how I'm feeling?"_

_"Is that so? I want to understand. If you want to cry, then cry…I'll continue to stay by your side."_

I'm glad I listened to aniki when he told me not to judge people by first meetings. Seiryuu no Miko…no Yui-sama, stayed by me the entire time I cried. She cares about me. I'm so glad. She understands me. I'm all alone now. Aniki, did you leave me to have me learn something? Did you? I can no longer protect you now, so I'll protect Yui-sama. She is the only one who understands me after you left. I miss you so much. At first when you left for Konan, I was sad, but at least I knew you'd come back then. Now…I know you won't come back. You can never come back now. I won't say you're dead. It will hurt too much. But now that I've found someone to protect, I have to do my first duty…take revenge on your death. I'll make you proud of me aniki.

_"What is it Suboshi? Where do you think you're going? Didn't I tell you to stay with Yui-sama?"_

_"Whenever I think of aniki, I can't stay there…"_

_"You want revenge? But what can you do on your own? Unlike your aniki, your powers aren't fully developed yet. Don't underestimate the Suzaku seishi."_

_"But…!"_

_"However…I too, understand how you feel…"_

Tamahome no kazoku. Yes, I will kill them. All of them…four children, two boys, two girls, and their father. Tamahome is a Suzaku seishi. They took away my family. They took away my other self, the other part of my soul. In return, I'll take away his. Tamahome, I'll take away your family like you took away mine. Then once I get stronger, I'll kill you, every single last one of the seishi, and I'll give that miko of yours the worst nightmare she's ever had…before ending the pitiful excuse she calls a life.

Aniki, are you happy right now? Are you okay? Have you gone to your next life? I hope you have a nice family, one that wouldn't leave, like ours did. I miss you so much aniki. I'm trying so hard to let you go, but I can't. Maybe when I take care of Tamahome's family I'll be able to let go. Then I'll be able to join you aniki, and we'll be together again, never to part.

* * *

Konan-koku. Just the sight of it makes me hate it. The smell is horrible to me, yet this was the place where aniki breathed his last before he died. Nakago had given me the directions to Tamahome's home village. I stand here now, watching, looking, searching for them. They're there. They're laughing. How dare they laugh? My aniki is dead, and they laugh. Are they making fun of you aniki? Do they know what happened to you? My heart aches for you. That little one, the one that is smiling…she'll know about you aniki. They'll all know about you…soon.

_"That blood…Tamahome's family, was killed by you?!"_

_"Yes, I killed them, for revenge. This is for the death of Amiboshi, my late brother!"_

_"Miaka, stay away, he isn't Amiboshi!"_

_"I am Seiryuu Shichi Seishi Suboshi. The one you killed was Amiboshi. I am his brother!"_

_"Twins?!"_

_"Matte! You misunderstood! We didn't kill your brother it was something that we couldn't control."_

_"I don't want to listen to your pitiful excuses!"_

_"This guy won't listen to explanations. Damn it!"_

_"I'll just kill the two of you as well!"_

_"Tamahome!!!"_

I couldn't kill Tamahome, their miko, or the other seishi. How shameful. My powers are not fully developed yet. Soi had to come and rescue me. But someday, later, I'll destroy them all, just like they destroyed you aniki. Now the seishi Tamahome knows me, and I've made him feel the loss of his family, just like I felt the loss of you. I'll make the Suzaku seishi pay. The first part of the revenge is complete. I can finally begin the process of letting go. Now I only need to wait, to wait for my powers to become more developed. Then I can completely avenge you aniki. I'll keep my promise for sure. You'll see, and you'll be proud of me, just like I was proud of you when you went into Konan on your own. In the meantime, I'll train real hard. I'll work hard, just like you worked hard to protect and feed me when we were little. They will all feel the pain you and I felt when you died aniki. I'll make sure they feel pain. Just like us, they will slowly begin to feel the pain of being ripped apart.


End file.
